I quit my job

Yep...I quit one of my jobs this weekend. There was just way too much that I couldn't handle with it... the problem...I don't have another one. So unless I find another part time job by December 31st, I'm in even more trouble financially that I was already. :( I know I made the right choice for myself emotionally, it's the financially part that I'm most scared about.

I wonder what God is trying to tell me through all of this. This is a major life changing event for me and has the potential to throw me into a tailspin, just like previous life changing events have done in the past and I don't want that to happen again.

I often think maybe it's time for me to pick up and start someplace new, but I don't want to leave my family behind. I know that they'll always be here and they would always welcome me home but I've gotten so used to seeing Abagail and Andrew so frequently that I'm not sure I'm ready to not see them so much. Abby came over today and helped me decorate my tree. The place looks awesome, I love my tiny living room lit with the Christmas tree, it has such magic and sparkle. If I moved somewhere new I wouldn't have those moments with her and soon with Andrew as he gets older. I also think of what the farm would have done if I had been living in another city during this period of time that Dad has been off his feet. I don't by any means, think that I am irreplaceable, but it really would have made things much more difficult.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that God will guide my path and He'll be there with me every step of the way. I have to lean on that.

Are we doing enough?

I got to thinking the other day about how much I give compared to how much I do for others? It's easy to write a check and give to a worthwhile cause and many of us have no problem giving to causes all over the world...but what are we doing right here in our own communities? Not, what is our money doing, but what are WE doing?

Are we going to visit the shut-ins, injured or sick? Are we taking food to the hungry? Are we giving money to those who are on their last dollar and don't know where the mortgage, rent or utility money is coming from? Are we helping a family who can't afford to fix their roof?

Most of us can afford to go buy an extra loaf of bread or gallon of milk for a family that can't afford it. Most of us could afford an hour to go visit someone who can't leave their houses for whatever reason. Most of us can afford to go without a few cups of Starbucks to give an extra ten bucks to someone we know who is currently down on their luck. Most of us could give a few hours to swing a hammer or turn a wrench. But are we?

I think that answer is no. I think we get caught up in our own problems, in our own needs and we as a society have forgotten that God commanded us to love one another. I think it's easy to write a check and let it become other peoples' problem. I think we've become accustom to letting the government help them. Why do we think its the governments problem? Why do we think it is not our responsibility?

Aren't all people God's children? Shouldn't we be doing for them what we would do if Jesus was walking among us?

That's my thought for today.

stress

I have so many BIG things on my mind lately. It's hard to even put them into words for people who are not in my brain to even comprehend and I know that makes me sound like a crazy person, which sometimes I think I am.

One of the big things was taken care of yesterday, thank goodness. I'm so thankful for the guys that came out yesterday and helped get the steel on the new building at the farm. It's been a level of stress for all of us since my dad broke his foot. There is still more to do before the heifers can be fed in there, but at least the rest of it my very resourceful brother can do a lot easier by himself. 26' sheets of tin are a little hard to maneuver alone!

The rest of the things I can't talk about - well, at least I shouldn't yet. I've been praying and God knows the needs. He is in control of all things.

Control freak...

...me, never! Ok, so that was totally tongue in cheek! Right now, there are so many things in my life that are completely outside of my control and I'm not dealing very well with it...at all!

I know that I should put it all in God's hands, and I really am trying, honest.

Money for nothin'...

I've always lived paycheck to paycheck and I've always had financial issues. I don't have problems making the money or spending it...the problem is that I just forget to spend it on the right things...you know, like my bills. I don't have a desire to not pay them, I just forget to do it. :(

I used to think it wasn't such a big deal - I always assumed I'd get married and often envisioned that God, knowing my crappy bill paying ability, would send a man my way that would be financialy savvy and I'd never have to worry about my finances again. I guess the joke is on me, that I'm now 35 years old and no man in sight. (just another reason why being single SUCKS!)

I suppose I should start getting more diligent about paying them first. I need to start with tithing again. I've become very lazy with my tithing and I know from past experience, that often leads to money woes like I'm currently experiencing.

I guess I'll start there - but I have no idea how I'm going to make myself follow through.

ugh - I hate not having anyone to share these kinds of burdens with!

I'm supposed to be working...

...the newsletter needs to be done and I just keep being distracted by everything else.

Some guys came to the farm yesterday and got some of the roof done (YAY!!). They actually got the short side done. If the weather is as nice as they say it's going to be on Saturday, hopefully we'll be able to get the rest done.

Seeing past the rain

It's been a long time since I was at Penn State, but I used to love going downtown and browse the stores with a friend of mine. We had no money, but we would just go around to the different stores to look and think of all the things we'd love to buy if we could. I was fond of books and journals. I'd always pick them up. One day I found this book of poetry. I can no longer remember the name of the author; I'm sure if I looked hard enough I'd find that book somewhere in my apartment, but one of the poems came to mind today -

I've often wondered

and racked my brain.

But, I guess I'll just never know -

Why one person looks

and sees the rain,

while the other is seeing the rainbow!

I've often had people tell me that I always see the positive in everything, but I see myself as a negative person. I'm not sure what that means. I want to be the positive person - the person that sees the rainbow, rather than the rain. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of rain - I guess I should work on that!

bear with me

I'm going to start this blog for no other reason but a place to lay out those things which are on my mind today. Who knows if anyone will read it or find interest with it, but it will be good for me! I think it's going to take me some time to figure out how and what I'm going to post here.

It's a beautiful day outside today. I love the fall - the colors, the smells, the decorations. It's my favorite time of year.

I wish we would have had a day like this yesterday. We are putting a new building up at the farm and we had some help yesterday and it was a cold, gray, breezy day. We got some work done, but there is a lot to accomplish yet.

Daddy is doing well. He doesn't go back to the Dr. until mid November - I know it's just as hard for him to not be doing anything, as it is for us doing all the stuff he normally does. Hopefully, they will tell him next time that he can start bearing weight.